Edward Philip Carlin
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October 27, 1940 ~ November 27, 2020
“When through one man, a little more love and goodness, a little more light and truth comes into the world, then that man’s life has had meaning.”
Alfred Delp, SJ, German resistance fighter and martyr
It is with gratitude for my 44 years as Ned’s wife that I share his story with you. It is long, but he lived a rich life that deserves to be shared.
Christened Edward, he was immediately called “Ned,” the Irish nickname for Edward. Born in Philadelphia in 1940, and he swears he heard Franklin Roosevelt on the radio, his first foray into current events. When he was a young boy, the family moved to Elkins Park, just north of the city, where he spent his days playing in the nearby woods and skating on the ponds, loving the offerings of nature, enjoyments he kept for the remainder of his life. It was a simple, safe, and happy childhood.
Ned’s was a close family. His dad, James, was the regional sales manager of Nabisco, often leaving home on Monday and returning at the end of the week. If his mother Bess didn’t have any dessert, Ned would be told to run out to the trunk of the car to see what samples were available. It was at this time he developed his enduring passion for Oreos and ice cream. To his death I was told not to buy Sunshine crackers or cookies. He attended the local Catholic grade school, then St. Joseph’s Prep (Jesuit), riding the train to downtown Philadelphia with his brother Thomas, who was 18 months older. His brother Jim was the adored big brother. When Jim was leaving to begin an assignment in the Navy, ten-year-old Ned was ill and not able to accompany the family to the train station. Jim came to his room and gave Ned his watch cap as a gift. Nearly 70 years later, Ned passed that treasured possession to his son Thomas on his 30th birthday. The Carlins spent vacations at the shore every summer, leading his sister Peggy and her husband to buy a home in Cape May, which became the family gathering place for many years thereafter.
After high school, Ned did a brief stint at a diocesan seminary but decided instead to join the Jesuits. Because he had not studied Greek, he could not join the Maryland Province and was accepted by the Southern Province, studying at the novitiate at Grand Coteau, LA. After earning his degree, he was assigned to Jesuit High School in El Paso for three years. It was a defining experience of which he spoke for many years. He headed to St. Louis University to earn his Master’s. By then Ned had discerned the life of a priest was not for him, choosing to leave the order before he was ordained. For two years he was principal at All Saints Elementary in KCK, but he wanted to work again with high school students. He was hired at O’Hara High School as the Dean of Boys, remaining there for four years. Ned then became the assistant principal at Rockhurst High School, pleased to be back with the Jesuits (although he also supported the Christian Brothers’ LaSallian values). He left Rockhurst after eight years to become the principal at Kapaun-Mount Carmel High School in Wichita, returning to Kansas City two years later to take a job at Lincoln Prep, first teaching Latin and then as a program director, overseeing some of the desegregation funds for four years. He became the principal of Pius X High School for ten years, and then taught Government and Economics at St. Thomas Aquinas until his retirement in 2006. He believed teachers should be an example of professionals: he almost always wore a tie, and he polished his shoes weekly.
I never met a student who had Ned for a teacher who didn’t say that he was one of the best they ever had. He spent hours preparing his classes, creating transparencies for the overhead machines (that certainly dates him!), not just sticking to the textbook, but also gathering information from other sources, pulling it all together for a rich lesson. He was a passionate educator with unsurpassed curiosity. He taught many of the social studies, but classes involving American government and the Constitution were his favorites. He carried in the car a pocket sized copy of the Constitution that Thomas had given him, had a larger copy on his desk, and a plethora of books on the Constitution itself on every bookshelf in the house. He was reading them daily for a few months, convinced he could find a way to get Trump successfully impeached. Once on a trip driving back from Colorado, I said I was getting tired and could he help me stay focused. He proposed, with great excitement, that we try to name all the presidents! He was continuously improving himself as a teacher, spending time reflecting how he could help his students to be successful. When computers were beginning to come out, he sensed a pending seismic shift in education and learned to use then for the benefit of teachers and students. His mantra: teach bell to bell, every day, from September to May. He was a life-long learner, culminating with his Ph.D in 1987 and receiving the award for the outstanding dissertation of that year. I had never been so proud of him when he received his hood, knowing of the hundreds of hours he put in to complete the degree, all while working full time.
Ned was a leader in the best sense of the word. He had high expectations for his teachers, but he did not ask them to do anything he himself was not willing to do. He demanded academic excellence and insisted that everyone must be a strong example to the students. He would attend a board meeting one night, and then lay carpet tiles in a classroom the next day. No job was too big or too small. He was a man of integrity and moral courage on whom people relied to make the tough decisions. Perhaps not everyone agreed with him, but they knew he made decisions with deliberation and consideration. A most telling example of this was a choice he made after he became principal at Kapaun-Mt. Carmel. Soon after his arrival, he became aware that some students had been receiving sports scholarships, a flagrant violation of the Kansas State High School Athletic Association code. Even knowing the turmoil that was ahead, Ned nonetheless self-reported the violation. To say that all hell broke loose is an understatement. It was a challenging time for him, one that he perhaps could have avoided, but he knew he had to do the right thing, regardless of the consequences.
As a father to Thomas, Ned serves as an example of how to do it right. He knew that being present was of utmost importance, and he included Thomas in his jobs around the house and yard, in his hobbies (especially his train set), and in his ice skating, golf, and fishing outings (although Ned always said when he was fishing, the fish were safe). When Ned was working at Pius, he drove home nearly every night to have dinner with Thomas and me, only to turn right around to attend a board meeting or a game. He knew that the time around the table would be critical to his son’s formation—a time to share ideas, to dissent, to learn from and teach each other. He was patient, kind, and forgiving. If Thomas made a mistake, he taught him what was right without making him feel guilty. When Thomas chose to pursue being a professional chef, Ned did not hesitate to support him. And when that choice meant his moving to Houston or Chicago, he encouraged him to pursue those opportunities, even though he was heartbroken that he was not near. He was eager to hear Thomas’s stories, and he proudly wore the T-shirts that displayed the restaurants’ names. He continued to challenge Thomas in their phone calls, sometimes leading Thomas to do research so he could intelligently participate in the conversation. Ned wasn’t trying to prove how smart he was—he was simply trying to make people think. Ned was excited and grateful that he was able to walk down the aisle between Thomas and me at his wedding last year. He was thrilled with Rachel as a daughter-in-love, and his smile while blowing Emmy a kiss hours before he died will always remain a treasured memory. Ned’s example will guide Thomas to be an excellent father to Emmy and a loving husband to Rachel.
On our 1976 wedding invitation was a quotation from Rainer Maria Rilke: “Love consists in this: that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.” Ned was my touchstone, someone who was always there for me. Knowing how much I longed to travel, he never said “don’t go” when I took off with my sisters to England and Scotland or France (twice) or Kenya or Nova Scotia. He stayed home, taking care of Thomas, with no resentment, but, in fact, with encouragement. He always gave me total and complete support without question. He showed his love for me in quiet ways, like putting a flower from the yard in a vase. As he grew unable to get out on his own, he always made sure my sisters bought me a thoughtful gift, such as a bottle of Chanel or, with hesitation from my sisters, a rotary saw I had asked for. We took each other down roads we might not otherwise have traveled and were always having conversations about one thing or another, each of us sharing opinions and knowledge and experiences. We shared a devotion to our many dogs, and he grew to be ok with our cats. We enjoyed dozens of summer trips camping in the Rocky Mountains from Montana to New Mexico, loving the wide open spaces, as well as trips to the shore in Cape May. Although he was not crazy about flying, we went to Alaska, and we took Thomas to Ireland. His last big trip was in the winter of 2017 to Jackson, Wyoming, to see the elk migration and gaze upon, one last time, the Teton mountain range he so loved. His last mini-trip was to Chicago in early September to meet his granddaughter Emilia. Despite all the frustrations and disappointments of these past years, we always laughed. And he sold his high school class ring to buy me pearls.
Ned was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in 1999. From the beginning, our attitude was that we would pursue whatever means available to keep the disease at bay for as long as possible, and he was relentlessly positive in working toward that goal. He braved brain surgery (deep brain stimulation), had a neurostimulator put in his back to prevent pain, and had a full knee replacement. He tried many meds, some working, others not. He did many rounds of physical therapy, attended weekly speech classes, and participated in PT programs designed specifically for people with Parkinson’s. He was one of the first in the KC area to get involved with Rock Steady Boxing, working as hard as he could, even when he was ultimately wheel chair bound. He rode his stationery bike as often as possible, lifted weights, and used his various styles of walkers to exercise his legs. As his fine motor skills deteriorated, he worked with his art pencils to maintain some control. He read history books every day. He never quit and he rarely complained. If he did complain, I would respond “Of course, your hips hurt! You’re old!” and he would laugh and shake his head and carry on. When Thomas would inquire how he felt, he would always respond with a positive “Fine!” even though Thomas knew that not to be true.
Ned’s decline became more evident these past six months, growing weak, his cognition skills decreasing. But he kept his great sense of humor and wit, and remained, to the end, a gentleman and a scholar. The last book he was reading before he died was James MacGregor Burns’ Packing the Court, and he insisted on combing his hair every day. After a long journey, he died in his own bed, held in my arms, his son and his family upstairs sleeping. He would not have wanted it any other way.
From the beginning of our relationship, Ned embraced and was embraced by my family. He was adored by his mother-in-law Eileen and my dad Bill admired him greatly. Ned is godfather to his niece Alley, and he thoroughly enjoyed her and Dan’s 10-month-old baby June, smiling at the many pictures he received of them.
Ned’s life would not have been as full for as long as it was without the help of my siblings. Elizabeth not only was the regular supplier of chocolate chip cookies and steak soup, she was my rock when times were challenging and a presence when I needed her to listen, offering understanding and encouragement. She made sure I got out of the house for some R & R, knowing perhaps better than myself that I needed a break. I knew my brother Rusty would repair anything that needed fixing for us, and he and Ned would watch John Wayne movies and Gunsmoke reruns, always reminding Ned that when Rusty was a student at O’Hara, Ned (as AP) told him to “get a haircut.” Frankie was a constant presence, taking Ned golfing and fishing and challenging him to chess matches. Her sense of humor kept us all laughing, and her ability to care for him was a gift, even though he did fire her once. I cannot even begin to express my love and gratitude to them for their support these past years. I truly could not have done it without them. Mary Ann Litras and her husband Bob were frequent visitors over the past years, as were Margaret and Michael Heringer. Their love and support helped us in many ways. And recently an angel arrived: Edward Briggs was Ned’s caregiver for a number of hours each week for the past few months, treating him with respect and providing him with gentle care.
Ned will be missed by many, but his presence will forever be in our hearts, and we will always hear his gentle voice guiding us as we continue our journeys.
Memorials can be sent to St. Pius X High School, 1500 NE 42nd Terrace, KCMO 64116; Wayside Waifs, 3900 Martha Truman Road, KCMO 64137; The Michael J. Fox Foundation, P.O. Box 5014, Hagerstown, MD 21741-5014; or to the charity of your choice.
Visits: 5
What a moving, lovely tribute of a life well lived. Ned epitomized the description, “a gentleman and a scholar.” He will be greatly missed by all who knew and loved him.
Brief interactions with Ned but many with his loving son Tom and wife Rachel. Apples don’t fall far from the tree and they are great apples – a testament to Ned and Maureen. Thank you for sharing his memory. His love, compassion, and memory will live on strongly in the hearts of his loved ones and we are all grateful for that. Cheers to Ned for beautiful life lived and legacy left behind.
Beautiful description of a wonderful life well lived. The devotion you and Ned have for each other is a testament of love for all of us! “Well done, good and faithful servant.” You will be missed!
What a wonderful panegyric for Ned – it was truly uplifting to read about this thoughtful and spiritual man.
I am sad to hear that you have lost him from your life, but so glad that he has left you with such wonderful memories. On the few occasions I met your Mum and each time she wrote to me, she always spoke of Ned in glowing terms.
Please email me your home address – I’d like to send you a Mass card.
I’ll be praying for all of you.
With condolences and lots of love,
From Patricia in Scotland. Xxx
Ned was a great person and quiet leader. We had fun raising money and going public for 1st time in 50(?) years. Enjoyed his friendship, all thanks to Mary Ann Litras. Not being Catholic, it was a new world for me personally, as well! We’ll miss him!
This is a beautiful tribute to a beautiful man. Many of your reflections stirred vivid memories of the family stories I grew up with. Ned was an inspiration to me from my earliest childhood memories to my time as a teenager, college student, and ultimately in my professional life. There is no doubt that my career choices were shaped by his influence. I remember visiting you and Ned in Kansas City in my early college years. I shadowed him at Rockhurst one day and returned home with a firm commitment to be an educator like my uncle. My love of history is still strong as I continue to read one book of history after another. Obviously a genetic trait that runs deep in my family. I am thankful to have had a last opportunity to spend a few hours with him at Tom and Rachel’s wedding. It was a happy occasion for all and I am so grateful for that opportunity. I will always treasure the memories of those summer visits with you and Tom and Ned and the entire Carlin family in Cape May. My best to you Pete and to Tom and Rachel and baby Emilia.
Thank you for this Pete, it was a pleasure to read and so moving on so many levels. I always considered myself blessed to have grown up with wonderful uncles who were all very kind and inspirational to me. I look forward to sharing this tribute with my own children so that they can have an idea of the wonderful person my uncle Ned was. Thank you for loving him so well and sharing the beautiful story that was your marriage. God Bless!
Such a loving tribute. Thank you for sharing and filling in all of the details I did not know of this gentle, kind man’s life. Prayers for all of your family,
This was a beautiful tribute to a man that I just learned so much about. My condolences to you, Thomas, Rachel, and Emilia.
Oh, Pete! I read every word of this beautiful tribute to Ned. Some brought smiles and some tears and all brought admiration for both Ned and you. My favorite phrase among many was “daughter-in-love”. I bet Rachel melts at this amazing term. I am so glad that we got to spend a bit of time with you and Ned in the mountains. Darrel and I send our condolences and our wish for peace for you and your family members who obviously loved him deeply.
What a beautiful tribute to Mr. Carlin. That was how we knew him in El Paso. Tx. The man described in the tribute is exactly the man that we knew. It grieves me to hear of his death. God Bless you, his family, I will include him and all of you in my prayers.
Maureen, what a beautiful storry about the life of our beloved Ned. I will comment on the influence and impact he had on me and everyone he came in contact with in El Paso, Texas. It’s hard to believe he was only there for three years, it seems like his influence was for decades. I was fortunate to be one of his students, he coached and directed me in three of the plays he produced at Jesuit High. He coached a lot of us in track and field. But it was the personal friendship and council that he always gave us young catholic men that stayed with us forever. We all have Ned Carlin in our character, our values, our daily lives. And lovingly, in our memory.
Que descanse en paz.
Pete, Thank you for sharing this beautiful, loving celebration of Ned’s life. What an inspiration, I’ll be sure to share it with my Mom. I’m sorry for your loss and will keep you in my prayers.
Carlin Family – My deepest sympathies on the loss of Mr. Carlin – I was at RHS during his time there and luckily my Freshman year I did not have to visit him in his office as the VP of Discipline – in my last 2 years he was very helpful as academic VP to me and keeping me on track to complete – he was a good leader and I respected him very much for all he gave to RHS –
God Bless
Maureen, thank you for sharing Ned with us. As your neighbors since 2012, we enjoyed visits with you and Ned, watched your loving care of your husband, delighted in his sense of humor and visits with Steve while he worked in the yard and was always greeted with a smile and a wave. Your family is a blessing. I pray God continues to bless you.
, Pete and family you married a really good guy you already know that you’re tribute to him struck numerous and familiar chords Ned was an administrator at Rockhurst High School while I was teaching and coaching we were colleagues together he was a man of honor and integrity his decisions were always well-thought-out and decisive at the same time a humble man who never took himself seriously and always had a ready smile a quick comment one of the things I remember best about Ned was when he had something to say the room got quiet and people listened because they knew that what was coming next was going to be important well-thought-out and usually decisive over the years I had seen Ned infrequently at games as his health deteriorated yet each time he had a smile and a quick comment to say hi how are you doing you will be missed rest in peace friend
Dear Pete, A beautiful tribute to Ned and a life well-lived. Sending warm thoughts and wishes for comfort. May your memories comfort you and all the family.
Dear Pete, Thank you for sharing the touching story of Ned’s many influences. He was a wonderful leader and great mentor. He introduced me to the many intricacies of Jesuit education at Rockhurst High School during the 80’s. I was always grateful for his intellect, patience and friendship. I enjoyed your writing of so many aspects of his life. He was always a true gentleman and scholar.
Pete, thanks for sharing your story about this great man. A wonderful tribute to a great husband, dad, friend, educator, and leader. He gave me my start down the administration path and taught me so much during and in the years after our working together. St. Pius X High School and Catholic Education is better off because of his dedication and professionalism, Please know you, Tom, and Ned are in my prayers.
Pete, I just learned about Ned’s passing from Joe Monachino. I admired his leadership, dedication, and integrity as principal at St.Pius X. His example inspired me to become a better teacher and realize how important our “job” was in the development of our students. I will remember him in my prayers.
Your tribute to Ned is beautiful. He was one of the best administrators that I had the privilege to work with. Your family is in my prayers.
Thank you for sharing the loving story that was “Ned”. He was a wonderful mentor. I remember you both fondly during my years at O’Hara. God speed and may he be graced in His presence.
Pete,
Rob and I are very sorry for your loss. Beautiful tribute to the life you had with Ned and Thomas. Sending out thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
Angie and Rob Cole
Dear Pete, such a wonderful tribute to your husband! May all these warm memories bring you happiness and peace. Our condolences to you and your family.
Pete, so sorry to hear about Ned. The tribute you gave to Ned was so full of memories that will last forever. I have always thought so much of your family. My prayers go to Ned & all of you.
Pete, what a tribute to your husband! I hope these wonderful memories of your life together will give you comfort and peace. You and your family are in me prayers.
Pete, what a wonderful tribute to your husband! I hope these memories of your life together will give you comfort and peace. You and your family are in me prayers.
Pete, I appreciated both you and Ned as teachers very much. I loved how challenging he was, and, like most students at O’Hara, liked you alot.
I was moved by Ned’s beautiful life story, and the story of your life together. I remember the quiet dignity of your father, and wondering what kind of life he lived after he was done caring for 700 students and a big building. I suspect that he had a heart like yours, quietly collecting up small treasures and keeping them to pay for the inevitable, crushing debts we all must eventually pay.
Thank you for your beautiful eulogy. We all only really pass when no one says our name, no one acts with our influence, even without knowing. Even after one class, Ned never left my consciousness. I’ve done better, so many time since 1977, because of one class, just a couple of dozen hours, with Ned insisting that I perform at a higher level. I’ve said his name, many times. He’s not forgotten. He
Pete and Family, What a wonderful tribute to Ned. Your recollections give the picture of a man who was thoughtful and kind, and well loved, and a great influencer of many. May the coming days be filled with all fond memories and may your hearts be full in the remembering.
Pete, your tribute to your wonderful husband is very touching. Your love and respect for each other comes through in every word you wrote. Based on the memories you shared, he was a great man and you had lots of good times together. I’m sorry for your loss but can see that you will have lots of support from family and friends. Take care of yourself. Our thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.
I had Ned as a sociology teacher at O’Hara High School. My good friend Ace Wagner and I still talk about the concentric ring theory which he asked us to test in Kansas City by driving from neighborhood to neighborhood. He was a great teacher.
Ned’s life is an inspiration!
A bunch of old guys from El Paso are reading this, sad for the news but proud to have known him and delighted by your story. Thank you for telling it so beautifully!
I am so moved by your words Pete. We love being part of your family, and we loved doing Ned’s hair service and will always cherish our memories. Thank you
The El Paso Jesuit High School class of ‘69 was incredibly fortunate to have had Ned (Mr. Carlin) as our class sponsor and history teacher. His influence, his guidance and friendship was pervasive and enduring, helping to keep us in touch over the years. His participation in our reunions was emblematic of the mutual love we shared and along with Coach Evans helped our class experience continue its influence from our teens to retirement.
We send our love and condolences to Maureen and the extended Carlin Family. Know that Ned will forever live in the hearts of the class of ‘69.
I share this in remembrance of Ned, who was one my mentors at Jesuit El Paso.
To those I have loved and to those who love me,
When I am gone: Let me go.
I have so many things to see and do.
You must not tie yourself to me with tears.
Yet, be happy that we had so many years.
I gave you my love, you can only guess,
How much you gave to me in happiness.
I thank you for the love you each have shown,
But now it’s time I travel on alone.
So grieve awhile for me if grieve you must,
Then let your grief be comforted by trust.
It’s only for awhile that we must part, so bless
the memories within your heart. I won’t be far away for life goes on.
So, if you need me, call me and I will come.
Though you can’t see or touch me, I’ll be near, and
If you listen within your heart, you’ll hear all my love
around you soft and clear.
Then when you must come this way alone,
I’ll greet you with a smile and welcome you home.
Class of ’68
Dear Ned, Many years have passed since the time at the Prep. Your path over time was as expected of a great Man , Husband & Father. Great to have known you at SJP. Rest in peace. Ed Gleadall & Family Class of 58.
I knew Ned, “way back when” he and I were students at St. Joe’s Prep. The Jesuits gave us a rigorous education and prepared us to challenge every presumption before casting our lots with a cause. I am so glad to see that although the years separated us physically, our shared values stayed constant. May he rest in peace as a valued member of Prep ’58.
Thanks, Maureen, for sharing with all of us your great love for Ned . . . a beautiful gift to all of us. I was a friend of Ned in the class of 1958 at the “Prep”–St. Joe´s, Philly–and am now living and working in Nicaragua. For those of us who had not seen Ned for many years, you brought him back into our lives. Thanks.
What an incredible, loving tribute to your husband, family and memories. You both have been my teachers at O’Hara. I’ve often thought of what brings people together;love, understanding one another and allowing each other to be in the world. I’m just reading about Mr. Carlin, today. Our son will be 30 this year. I’m forwarding this to him, so he can understand some of the wonderful influences in my life. Thank you for being my teachers at O’Hara.